It is a truth universally acknowledged…

Elizabeth Bennet: I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them.

Mr. Collins: I am not now to learn, that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.

Elizabeth: Upon my word, Sir, your hope is rather an extraordinary one after my declaration.

[Elizabeth climbs into waiting barouche-landau and drives off. Mr. Collins leaps onto his plunging black charger and gives chase]

Mr. Collins: I say, I shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long!

Elizabeth [urging the horses on]: I am perfectly serious in my refusal! — You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who would make you so!

Mr. Collins [leaping over ravine]: I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you. And you may be certain that when I have the honour of seeing her again I shall speak in the highest terms of your modesty, economy, and other amiable qualifications!

Elizabeth [just making it onto a ferry, as Mr. Collins reins in at the shore]: I wish you very happy and very rich, and by refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise.

Mr. Collins: When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on this subject I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me.

[Mr. Collins expression of steely resolve; dramatic chipmunk music]


Mr. Darcy: You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.

Elizabeth: Yes yes oh yes!

[They kiss]

Mr. Collins [appearing from behind a shrubbery]: I understand that it is common with elegant females to become engaged to another gentleman in order to stir the passions of the man they truly intend to accept, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.

[dramatic chipmunk music]

Elizabeth: Oh for fuck’s sake!