So a few days ago, Nora hit her nanny. This happens occasionally and we say it makes us sad and she apologizes, usually right away (one time she held out for a day and then gave me a lovely apology and hug the next day). But not this time. She just did not want to apologize, and so E told her she wasn’t going to get any books at bedtime but go straight to crib. Plus no videos. Fine, said Nora, and to bed she went, basically unfazed. The next day there were a number of discussions about no books and videos and apologizing, and though she clearly would have liked her usual books and so on, she was perfectly willing to do without to avoid apologizing. She went to bed without them completely unfazed, and bedtime took about 5 minutes (usually it’s an hour-long process).
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At that point, E and I had a war conference. We were clearly losing the standoff, and we had no desire to go another day without books (though no videos was kind of nice). We of course make a big effort to be consistent — if we name some consequences, then we have to follow through. So we had to find some way to break the standoff without appearing to give in. E’s original idea was “well I’m just going to tell her she HAS to apologize” but then I pointed out that we have no way of MAKING Nora do it if she refuses. Finally, we came up with a face-saving compromise. And so this morning, Nora made a card (with help!) that said “I AM SORRY!”, colored it in and decorated it with stickers. When Anna came in, Nora gave her a big hug and gave her the card and then we got to praise her for apologizing and give her the books and videos back.